Tuesday, October 29, 2024
I feel a sense of apathetic ambivalence towards everything right now. Discomfort. Uncertainty. Why? I default to lamenting the level of 'stuff on my plate', even though it's far less than I ever faced when working full time. There are my mom's minimal needs, which are not at all overwhelming. The demands of Jikoji are vast but also self-inflicted and, in some ways, many ways, gratifying once I release the occasional sense of being taken advantage of as a volunteer when I'm the one who willingly does. It's perhaps my 'job', but I feel detached like my prior 'real' one. The book, writing, that is where I'd like to say I want to put all of my energy, yet I'm not, so is it? So much of it's already written, yet pulling it together is fraught with apprehension and avoidance. Quoting Kenan, "What's Up With That?". All that being said, I'm consciously aware of 'being with discomfort' as it's proven time and time again to be a transitional opportunity. Resisting it keeps me static and stuck. Allowing it to overwhelm and overtake me can be like cracking out of a chrysalis.