The reasons are vast, but also, selfish. I don't profess to have a real true valid reason for the level of depression I've been feeling. There's s many other people in so many worst situations than I that it's somewhat embarrassing to admit that I feel this badly. But I do, all the same.
My job search continues ,but with little or no success, and I'm worried that my options will be limited due to agism. I'm struggling to succeed at losing weight, which in turn dramatically effects my mood and self esteem. I'm straped financially as I continue to try and provide not only the financial support needed to maintain two households, I'm only being helped in one, adding to my anxiety about my working situation.
I know writing helps, but I'm increasingly apathetic about doing so. I love Jen deeply but she's neither the source or the solution to my depression, she's more of an innocent bystander. As are the kids. And the dog, for that matter, who's presence in some ways seems to have been a saving grace. But I have a low threshold for frustration. I seem to fill my time with mindless diversions and distractions instead of focused execution of things that will ultimately help me out. And I've been told recently that I'm "never happy" but I just have moments of happiness that are sidelined by things I let upset me, unnecessarily,
I spent most of my marriage feeling like I was 'the problem', and I'm not sure that's not ultimately true. And I continue to feel guilt and stress about the divorce, the impact on the kids, the environment I want to provide them, the one they have with their mom, the things they say are said, the resentment mixed with the desire to maintain my own integrity, and all that goes along with this.
I used the word 'apathetic', and that's really the bottom line. I feel like there's just no point in 'trying' for some reason. I'm doing meditation again but it's an effort. I'm looking for work but with very little confidence and with far less of a sense of urgency than I should be operating under.
I don't know what to do next. I know that my worst-case scenario is still far better than many people's might be. I have friends, family, support, options on where I can live, a house that could be sold if need be, and more. But it still feels like failure and still feels like I'm on a path to a level of compromise and hardship that's going to be a difficult situation. One I may have more control over, yet one I might not have enough control over to avoid. So I'm checked out and dialing it in for the moment.
I've got to keep trying to work out of this. It's not a good place to be.