Things came to a breaking point a few weeks ago, when I was wresting once again with a sense of disbelief that after 4 years of effort to amicably and peacefully resolve our differences, I was still paying for legal advice and encountering further twists and turns. Along with separate legal advice and the realization that a fact I’ve been aware of but ignored for the past 3.5 years, being that you don’t spend $50 to save $25, was what I was now doing…. I came to the conclusion that I would gladly compromise significantly in her favor in order to close this chapter once and for all.
At this point, I’m the bad guy, and I always will be. No matter what I do. I have always held the heartfelt expectation that we could remain close and on good terms, but those hopes have been overwhelmed by experiences that indicate such a resolution is never going to happen. Because I will never be accepted or acknowledged for being the good person I know I am. Sooooo…. being kind at this point does me no good in working with her, while what matters most, really, is the kids. Their well-being warrants my looking at this as being something I’m doing specifically for their benefit, giving all I can as a contribution to their stable environment and experiences through high school. And as of last week that has all been initiated at this point, and I’m optimistic that I’ll close this all off in Q1 of 2018, enabling me to focus now on something that helps me start the next chapter in my life.
I have wasted a significant amount of my life spent chasing fruitless diversions. I love movies, sure, but must I stay current on Woody Allen’s annual efforts in lieu of something that helps me maintain a healthy body and mind? I might be inclined to google some abstract point of interest for no other outcome than to ‘get the answer’ to a question whose answer does nothing more than exist, while time spent reading something inspirational might bring about an answer to far more important questions with far more benefits from being answered.
I’ve decided it’s time to focus on aggressively reducing distractions and focusing on the simple concept that every night ends with my conscious considered reflection on the day, and the assessment that I spent it well. That will require that I do things daily that help me grow. Things that help me work with more focus in my position, be present and actively engaged with my son and daughter, be an attentive and engaged partner, be a present and connected friend, and to be aggressively protective of the time I need to walk, meditate, and engrain a calm and balanced presence.
My game plan will flesh out further, but for January, I’m going to start with a daily audit and reflection on my working presence, on my health practices, on my taking time to read, meditate and write, and if I maintained a mindful and balanced presence, more or less. 6 simple daily focuses or actions. 6 “yes” or “no” assessments on my daily accomplishments for at least 31 days if not a full year. None requiring more than a modest amount of time or effort, with the work presence likely consuming the majority of each weekday.
This will be a game changer for me. I know it. And I know the time is now.
You know what should have been a game changer for me? Guillamé Barre. Yet 3+ years later I’m occasionally reminded of my failure to remember the lessons the pain of that experience taught me. The need to slow down, to focus, to remove distractions, and to be alive and awake instead of sleepwalking throughout each day of each week of each year. That all sounds like what I’m trying to start now, yet it’s all coming about at a tipping point for success. My breaking point with the divorce, my weight loss and the setting of my focus to its completion, and the realization that with this divorce process coming to a close, I will have some much-needed time to focus on what myself and my outlook and attitude heading into the next chapter of my life.
I was back at El-Camino Rehabilitation today. I was there to see my mom who is recovering from a 4th back-pain related procedure. Walking in those sliding front doors, past the chairs I’d wheel to and later sit in, past the cafe where I’d converse with others enduring all sorts of struggles, down the hallway I first struggled to barely walk while gripping the handrail with tense anxiety, past the rehabilitation room where I slowly regained moderate mobility, and to the nurses station… it was all a bit surreal. Being back at that place today only helped reinforce what I have had planned for some time. This, my 2018 focus.
Read. Write. Recover.
I will read, with a focus on simplicity, happiness, minimalism, and things that will inspire, direct and initiate my momentum while maintaining my focus. In fact, this ‘Read’ portion, which I was dry-running today with the other 5 focuses, landed me on my Kindle reading “Simplify Magazine Issue #1” and a specific Gretchen Rubin article following on her successful “Happiness Project” book, which eludes to a year spent pursuing happiness in a fashion similar to my own effort and epiphanies, right down to the 1/1 start date.
I will write, about anything and everything, like I did in the mid-2000’s. I’ll use my personal website for these deeper and more intimate posts, linking to them within a limited group of friends on Facebook, while using Facebook in general to initiate positivity, connection, and fostering friendships based on consistent presence and sincerity. I’ll set up more frequent face-time with friends for coffee or lunch. I’ll use my time without the kids to develop my personal relationship and our mutual friendships as well. I’ll use the time I get with them to establish a balanced routine with face-face and group engagement, in real conversation, with a moderate allotment of time to watch a show or play a game, too. Very moderate.
I feel good about this effort. It will be a challenge, a stretch, perhaps met with some contention on my kids part too. But the bottom line is that this is about me taking care of me. Without me being calm, balanced, nurtured and accessible, I won’t be balanced, able to nurture my children or able to be a calm accessible partner or colleague or friend or relative to anybody.
OK. There we go. “Writing” done. All 6 focused actions achieved. I’m ready for the real-deal starting tomorrow.
Happy new year, friends and family.