Tuesday, August 10, 2021
No photo. No side notes or observaiotn. Just the weight of the day. Yesterday was grueling. Today was traumatic. I helped with her move to Hospice. She remains in denial and avoidance, but she was and is clearly terrified. I *FINALLY* got what I consider to be my "foot in the door" about her situation and prognosis. She admitted to having fear about moving and I perceived her look/responses as her fearing it was where she was going to die. I really felt she fears that and keeps trying to stuff it aside. It's heartbreaking. It's fucked up and selfish but it's also her core nature …. Fear and worry… it's really hard for me because its something that tore us apart. I "Got my foot in the door" by asking more direct questions, asking "are you scared" and "are you scared about going to the medical building" and things like that. I almost asked "are you scared of dying" but Lauren was there. We had locked eye contact, and I strongly believe that's where she's at, what she's seeing play out. I'm trying so hard to be strong but I can't stand to see her suffer and I can't believe my kids will not have her in their lives. I AM grateful to be comforting her through this and that she's accepted my help and involvement.