I was a perennial bachelor who found, through a few deeply impacting experiences with other people's children, that the idea of a family had some possible upside. Once married I continued to wrestle against the weight of my apprehensions. While lamenting my inner conflicts over such a daunting commitment, a dear friend Merrill said something I remember to this day. "This world needs children raised by people like you". It was one of the most subtle and tender compliments I've ever gotten.
The truth is that I don't consider myself a great parent. I know in hindsight how many mistakes I made. I have issues related to control, structure, organization, simplicity, and more. I get overwhelmed when I have one too many things to manage. My threshold for frustration seems low. Many of my kid's struggles and issues stem from my own negative influence and examples.
Yet the truth is also that I think I'm a good human being, a good citizen, and a good parent, faults and all. I love them both dearly and deeply not for what they are supposed to be but for who they are. For every negative example, from picking my nose to dropping the F-bomb, there are as many if not more instances of having a wry sense of humor and a spry sense of adventure. They've been exposed to kindness, approachability, extending a smile, and how to consider another person's own experiences and circumstances before making any judgments. And they've learned that they can pursue their interests and dreams through effort, initiative, and extending a smile as well.
When I separated from their mom, I did not separate from them. I returned home nightly for dinners and to put them to bed, for months and months, perhaps for at least a year. I moved as close as possible and made every effort to make them aware that although my presence in their home might be changing my presence in their life would not. And it did not.
I know that time was hard on them and I deeply regret the fallout they experienced through it. I knew, very deeply, how important it was that they not see dysfunction as acceptable, let alone as the norm. I wanted them to see something far more healthy and positive and enriching, and in time, they did and do still to this day.
They are both wonderful individuals. They have each developed their own unique personalities over the years, and over the years I've discovered more and more about them that touches my heart or gives me faith in humanity and the generations to come.
As they turn 18 today, I remember Merrill's comment, and I feel pretty damned good about the positive influence my having taken this path might have on people each of them touch in their own ways throughout their lives, without ever having met me.