My body of writings is densely populated with numerous musings about mortality, awareness, introspection and an exhaustive degree of puns. During the prior year, my ex-wife and kid's mother passed away. We cleaned, cleared and reclaimed their childhood home as our own. One of my kids went away to college, and the other and I continued to struggle to find a way to navigate the tense and turbulent dynamic that had come between us. I found getting through every day increasingly challenging. It became almost impossible to stay focused and engaged in my job responsibilities. I ultimately succumbed to the weight and buckled below it.
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The hospice organization involved in Linda's end-of-life care allowed me to get both kids into therapy to help them process their feelings. Neither wanted to go near it; I wanted their help anyway, to get guidance on how to help them both. What I gained, though, took me down a path of discovery. I learned how to manage my own fragmented grief and processing of the highly complex nature of guilt, apathy, empathy, remorse, reflection and responsibility that came with this massively significant experience.
That counselor first suggested I take an extended leave of absence. They recognized a need I fought to deny. They saw an unrealistic and unsustainable attempt to manage and cope in unhealthy ways. It's only been three months, but this short time has resulted in dramatic and substantial changes. Changes in my employment, relationships, mindset, and worldview.
My perspectives have begun to shift in ways that feel far more aligned with my innate nature and desire to live consciously, without the expectation that I do or be anything other than aspire to be my best. As a parent, a friend, a husband and a part of the whole that is our society and world. Meaning: to do good, to be kind and just, and to hopefully leave this world a little better with my minute degree of influence. To be part of the solution, at least as I see the need while remaining open to input and an evolving understanding of where the problems exist.
This is the beginning of the next decade or two, living a richer, more balanced, centered life. Between reading and practicing Stoicism and Zen philosophies, I have found strong foundations upon which to build. And if 61 was the most significant after 60, the pattern will hopefully continue on the same trend next year. And the years after.