Mindset: Curious. I'm revisiting my decision to 'bail' on the sesshin mid-day yesterday. I'm not rethinking it – I think it was the right decision – I'm just wondering why I feel a compulsion to associate to being perceived as anything other than my simple desire to change my plans. I was not signed up for helping in any way, I was an attendee only. Perhaps I missed something of value in the time spent in readings or discussions but … does anybody other than myself care or consider it significant? I doubt it. I overthink things because I've spent 60 years of my life being conditioned to win approval and acceptance through my actions. I care what others think over what I think, concerned that they will not like me if I'm not appeasing them or playing into their ideals and expectations. I'm working through that. I'm untying that "not". It's a tight one.
Goals: Review and finish Linda's taxes. Spend a bit of time looking further at ours but not too much. Work with Jen on the distribution of the lawn dirt. Wash Lauren's mini.
Anticipation: Visit my mom with Jen.
Wants: To increase and integrate a stronger awareness of my own tendency to want to win approval by compromise and sacrifice. To live wide eyed with wonder at every aspect of experiencing life mindfully. To start being more vocal, honest and direct where I think my thoughts and ideas matter, being less dismissive of my value, avoiding 'uncomfortable' situations and instead, embracing them as opportunities to connect.
