I went to Jikoji and arrived before 7. I joined the 'already in progress' sesshin but my heart and mind were not in it. It was a true struggle to endure. I was torn between pressing past distraction and following my gut. My gut said 'leave' and it won. I felt bad but honestly, only out of concern for the opinions of others, which I'm working to not let sway my actions. Quite a moment of conflict inside. It's all a learning experience. Just like Tommy's little encounter with ethical choices at Target last night. Lessons. The gardener did an amazing job on the lawn, it's well worth it. I worked more on taxes but did not find a way out of the predicament. It might just be another case of 'what is' and we'll manage it. I started working on Linda's too. Jen said something so moving today that really struck a chord. I was talking about how her death really had a profound impact on me, and she said that she knew that Linda's desired departure would have been exactly what I gave her - her kids and I, divorced or not, surrounding her and sending her off with sincere love as a family. It's so true but nothing I've thought about in that context. I"m grateful to have her have known Linda and share that. Tommy and I made a GOBM run and he was ready to pay for his own food! I was not expecting that, said I'd get it this time since he's been sharing stuff, and we had a good positive experience all around.
