Highlights: Full-on hard-core confrontation with Tommy and kicking him out. It was hard, but I was dead set on drawing the firm hard line because the damage was done, and he needed to leave. He deflected and lamented and was cruel and indignant. It fell on deaf ears. I do feel bad that I failed to emphasize that it's not about love or him being my son but that he's turned into an unpleasant presence, aggressively offensive, and heartlessly cruel. I told him this all directly. When he said he'd have no relationship with me if I kicked him out, I said that's his choice, not mine. He was his typically unyielding self and pressed on every angle and tope for over an hour. It isn't easy to remain calm when you keep repeating the same thing. I was shaken and crushed by the whole exchange. I had to assert repeatedly that I'd need time to consider the next steps once he conceded to address the noise of his car and install "Life360" and NOT speed. Of course, I know that's going to happen, but I want the ability to monitor how often and how excessively because I am not OK with the risks to his life or others. Later he messaged me that he was going to sell the car and that our relationship was more important, and I broke down in tears reading it in front of Lauren and Jen. However, about an hour later, when he returned, he glared at me with anger and resentment and told his sister to "fuck off" when she was worried about him as he choked mildly on a piece of bread. That's foul language and inconsideration … the 1st two rules. I need time to decide what's next. Today was my "last day" at care2 before my FMLA, and I'm already feeling off-balance. Denise was right; it will take weeks to adapt to being out of such a life-long routine. And the people, too, are people I've shared so much with for so long. It'll be weird to "go dark," but I am doing so with a mindset of healing from the past few years, the struggles at home with Tommy, and the demands of a high-pressure workload. I entered this skeptically but concede that a break is essential. I could not continue this way for much longer. Getting Tommy out of the house would be a win/loss scenario – I can't not love my son, but I don't like him. It's hard to accept that no change might occur, but I have to. In the meantime, having the options lined up for a restraining order, forced removal, and making it clear those are in place for immediate and irrevocable exercise might be enough to allow at least me to focus on my needs for a while. Still, I'm ready to have him go live his life, and maybe that's the only option that might turn the tide in years to come.
