As was the case with Guillaume Barre, if I don't write when it's happening, it's hard to revisit later with as much detail or accuracy.
Tonight marks one week after getting the call from Linda's Sister Kathy that she was at Good Sam, and they found a mass that needed further investigation. I've written to a few friends about this as more upsetting details come to light every day. I keep thinking it can't get worse, and it does.
After weeks of increasingly erratic and concerning behavior and worsening nausea and headaches, Linda landed at Good Samaritan last Monday night. They found a 2.7" tumor in her brain. The cancer was removed Wednesday morning. Stage 4 Glioblastoma. She will likely not survive through 2021.
It has significantly impacted her short-term memory and impulse controls, which might not return post-op. If they do, it could take months. Linda has not fully recovered. She's in a free fall panic. Her baseline anxiety has no 'indoor voice' or restraint without impulse control, and it's running amok. Her waking hours are spent wrestling to get free and crying for help. It's an agonizing place for her, and there's nothing I can do at all to change this.
The short-term memory issues may make telling her pointless, as she'll likely forget and ask again. So much remains unknown. She may never return home, or if she can, she'll need 24x7 oversight. Every day has brought more bad news as hopes get routinely dashed against the walls. My angst throughout the divorce, the blame and admonishment, and the lack of recognition of my best and excessive efforts have built a barrier.
Yet, in recent weeks, some openings occurred, and we seemed to be on the edge of possibly rebuilding some of the connections we'd lost that were of value to me. I was planning to propose a routine coffee meeting between us to work on the rapport just a day or two before this happened.
All of my frustrations are forgotten. All of my focus is on helping my kids survive the probable loss of their mother on the near horizon. Tommy's guilt for his resent and aggressively disrespectful behavior in the past years came crashing down on him in ways I can't even begin to describe. His remorse is being directed towards repairing the damage he's done to their relationship. Lauren's bottled-up frustrations after years of being 'alone' in the house with her and being the sole support while Tommy's had a better life have her shut down and in apparent denial, sans an occasional outburst of frustration.
I have been to Panorama daily since Tuesday to manage some in-progress construction completely and start cleaning up the place for her hopeful return. The conditions at the house were terrible. I could not possibly emphasize that enough. It was disgusting. Sure, perhaps symptomatic, but not solely and not at all isolated to these past few weeks or even years. All of my nightmares returned.
Still, the weight of this, my constant struggles with my choices, no matter the reasons, and the realities of the year ahead my kids will face, are overwhelming me. I see an opportunity for the kids to have this all play out in a far more healthy manner, thanks to Jen and the efforts we are making to support them. I don't know how this would have played out if I'd stayed married in the first place, but it breaks my heart that I might not have the opportunity to reconcile our difference. At least there's a chance, as there is for our kids, too.
I'm hoping I can return to regular journaling tomorrow. It helps.