Arrived from China in a package of crv door parts
LONG day. Work demands were high through the 1st part of the day, then I went to Pano to attend to the prep of Linda moving into Saratoga Retirement, after taking her for radiation. The realities of today are difficult. I assumed when we bought Panorama that it would be their home through high school. During the divorce I tried to find a way to flat-out give to her but that didn't work out. I always assumed she'd live there through 2022 then we'd see what the next steps might be, that perhaps then we'd work out a way for her to stay. Today I helped move her out into a care facility with the idea that she'll return, which I hope happens, but watching her struggle to walk and seeing the process of her radiation treatments drove home the likelihood that she'll not return to Panorama, or if she does, it'll be for her final months. Nothing can really convey and encapsulate the way this hits home. Giving her encouragement and support while laying on a radiation table wearing a head apparatus locking her into an immobile position in order to target the radiation was heart breaking. I may not have been able to live with her, but I never wanted her to suffer and die. OK maybe once or twice the thought crossed my mind in a moment of pure aggravated frustration … and I'm sure it was returned. But this? Fuck. This is just too much. I don't imagine anybody can begin to comprehend the complexity of trying to 'be there' for somebody going through this while taking in the magnitude of their circumstance and the relative 'death sentence' of their prognosis unless they've experienced it themselves. Jeri did, with Paula, and she's been a wonderful support these past few weeks. But beyond her and Jen, it's awkward to even discuss it. I wonder if that's just social conditioning at play. On a side note, I'm pissed at Tommy again, because he has pushed me so far already and today, my simple expression of concern for his safety as he talked about working on his car in what consider a risky manner was met with "Shut up". So I did, and will. Of course like his mom, burnt bridges can be rebuilt, but for the moment I prefer the space the chasm provides.