What's that line from Henry V? "Once more into the fray…"? That's how it felt today, starting the week off with the routine alarm, resistance and eventual 2nd alarm forcing me out of bed. Putting the phone in the bathroom has served me well, as far as preventing snoozing goes. I still do it at night because I appreciate the opportunities it affords me, time wise, yet it's seldom welcome at 6am. I did get up, did see success in my rituals, and even Jen's getting up earlier of late. I'm thinking the sunlight is helping her, though. We do have to manage time in conjunction with my accompaniment of Lauren to school. Today was her behind the wheel driving test and she failed. I think it's complete bullshit too. They failed her for going right at a green light and, get this, allegedly failing to check a bike lane to her right even though she did look and did see stopped vehicles and there were no bikes… and it was a red fucking light! I was and still am livid about it. I've seen the worst driving in my life over the course of the past 10 years, eveyrbody's completely out of control, and Lauren's been driving wonderfully. I think it's total bullshit and a DMV quota or other unwarranted act. I am seriously angry about it but as Lauren observed, I've been angry about a lot of things lately. She seemed more upset about letting me down than failing the test for herself. She's right. I'm angry. Really angry. I'm at a breaking point if not well past it. Between the bullshit abuse I've endured from my son, the dramatically declining state of their mom, the sense of responsibility i feel to manage the daily demand of both kids who profess to be adults but seem incapable of managing…. Ah fuck it. I'm just angry. I'm tired. I want a month without somebody making me feel bad about myself, about my actions, decisions, indecisions, work decisions, inability to predict outcomes, or that my not thinking it's cold out when they think it's cold out somehow reflects on me as being wrong. Tommy did, for whatever reason, approach me today and hug me and say he loved me but he's done that before and at this point I'm shell shocked and PTSD is kicking in. I've locked into the Hawaii trip including payments and such but I've also setup the flight so he and his friend can sit apart from me, they'll do their own things once there, and instead of the trip being something I had initially thought might give us a chance to connect, i'm a chaperone. I wish I'd said no to his friend going so he and I could bond but at the same time I want him to have this experience including doing things I'm not doing, like diving, with somebody. When it was requested I said test because it's a reciprocal move to do so in return for all the times Tommy's gone along with Karl's dad but it also changes the dynamic. As has how he treats me and sees me. Something I resent the hell out of Linda for and him too, given that it's a choice he makes, not an impulse he can't control. Jen's getting tired of it, again, and I just want my life back. Our life back. The delay in Lauren's license is a minor delay but hopefully in two wek's time it'll be addressed and then we regain some freedoms along side those she aquires for herself. I know full well in time I'll miss them both, perhaps more than I can consider right now given how hard things have become. But for the moment, with all the pressure, it would be a good thing to have even a single week of true complete downtime, let alone a full day. I also know that when their mom does pass away, the likelihood of that changing their outlooks may also come into play. This has been a long year, and it's only March. Oh and of course along with all that's yet to play out, there's all that's yet to happen in addition…. the next thing is likely looming… my mom's declining abilities, Scottie, Jen, who fucking knows. I tend to try and see these things as reasons to be positive and grateful but I guess once in a while I just want to not have to anticipate loss. Sigh. I'll just have to live with that until I die. Don't we all?
📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.4 lbs,❤️ 61.9 bpm, 👣 5887.9 steps, 🧘🏼13 min, 🛌 5h:2m
