I had a decent start to the day but still after fragmented sleep. Haunted, it felt, with all that's transpired. I managed the usual routines and am work tasks before heading to Pano where I met with Barbara and Kathy and Austin too, to go thorugh the wide range of Patterson and DeMortiere family possessions. 4 hours later we were done and surprisingly little is being taken. Primarly because of space and age. It's stunning how much she gathered and stunned Barbara repeately as things turned up. And now, along with so many many other items she collected, it falls to me to make the decisions as to what little is kept and what mass is discarded. It's really hard and upsetting to manage this reality, knowing how much this all meant and that much if not most of it has some sort of family historical and/or sentimental value, yet I'm faced with loading bin after recycling bin with cards and letters and more. yet what value does it prove to be in the end when it's not seen the light of day for at least the 24yrs since we married? That's what's really heartbreaking and even inspirational for my own (dramatically smaller) box of cards and such. Do I toss it now, leave it for somebody else to toss or just find a way to make it visible and incorporated into my life enough that there's more time enjoying it and less time walking past the box it's in on the way to something seemingly more important. I lost it toight with Tommy over his sullen attitude and standoffiish behavior and I raged at him for some time because I am so broken at the moment, whle neglecting to consider his own 'broken' state too. I feel horrible. I tried to recant but after all he's been through, it's just shitty timing for us to be hitting buttons. I'm waiting for Kate to confirm some dates for counseling and i'm vowing to never get so angry at him and to let go of the hope that there's a relationship to salvage. It's been made clear that there's noe. I just want him to get off to college and have a better life than the one he's lived and is living here. He's so bright and so conflicted. I hate that I let go of a criical part of authority in the marriage that might have changed this dynamic for the better. Nothing sets me off quicker than his disrespect (as was the case with his mom) while nothing stops me dead in my tracks faster than when I see a tear in his eye.
📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.1 lbs,❤️ 62.9 bpm, 👣 6672 steps, 🧘🏼11 min, 🛌 5h:2m