When I responded to his buying BB-guns with disdain and refusal of their being in our home(s), I was shut out. When I called and talked to our friends about their perspectives and similar scenarios, word got back to him and accusations flew as to things I said, without saying what those things were.
After all the time and effort I’ve put into trying to accommodate his wishes for a spring break trip to Hawaii with his friend, including conceding to covering most if not all expenses in full, he still treats me like feeses on his shoe. He calls me “Nigga”, not just in person but via text, literally written out. “Nigga”, even though I’ve told him how wrong and offensive it is. He calls me “Geoffrey” even though I’ve told him not to. He has continued cutting classes routinely even after meeting with counselors and myself at school about not doing so and agreeing he will attend. He asks me to call him out of class when he’s choosing to work on his car and when I say no he doesn’t care. I’ve received a letter from the school indicating that he is at risk of failing his Sr year due to F’s in two classes.
I called a “Family Meeting” Thursday night to confront him directly on the damage his behavior was doing to our relationship and my well-being. My heart rate has been up to 115+ and my Apple Watch has been sending alerts to Jennifer. My angst over the dysfunction has been making it difficult to function. And the summary of our conversation was that he wasn’t interested in being close to me and did not see me as a parent but as a buddy (past tense), because that’s what his mom taught him.
Parenting sucks, and having parented poorly with the wrong partner has proven to be fatal for my relationship with him as an adult.
His dismissive attitude and abusive nature continue and my tolerance is past the tipping point. I’ve realized that my lack of effort with his mom, having been beaten down by her constant judgment, anxieties, and need for endless reassurance to a point I just accepted things as they were, set this all in motion, and that same dynamic has carried forward to the one between he and I today.
I have come to the realization that as much as I do love him, I love myself more. Enough to say that this has gone too far. I might have missed the opportunity to be a parent and not a ‘buddy’ for 18 years but that all changed today and going forward. I have spoken very clearly and directly to him in very clear and concise terms that he is an adult, and is responsible for himself entirely, not me. That if he wants to live in my house he has to live by my rules, completely, including not going to Panorama without permission and never during school hours, not calling me anything but “Dad” and attending counseling.
This is hard, really hard, because I have failed for years to react appropriately to his increasing abuse of my good nature and generosity. I’ve participated in setting a tone of piers and extreme involvement in all details of my and their lives that there are no boundaries.
I have had to stop and really consider the short and long-term impacts of letting this continue and it simply can not. So the gloves are off and frankly if he decides to spend the rest of his life hating me for refusing to take his continued abuse, It’s the least costly of all possible options, and my only choice.