It's been a long and complicated day. It seems they all are. And I want to consider that good. Ultimately as much as I would welcome a break from the chaos, stress, and heartache of all that's been happening, a couple of weeks of total malaise would be unbearable. Oddly enough, one of the pillars of this experience, meaning the past 13 months facing her imminent death, has been an increasing appreciation for life. I woke up listening for and hearing Tommy leaving to go swimming. I felt a nostalgic and reminiscent pride in his diligence and drive. I got up, got a couple of Calm sessions in, walked the dog and boom, it was time to go. Lauren getting her license will make for a welcome change in my daily routine. The crawlspace work finished at Panorama, and I went to SRC, where I faced a daunting experience. Although being present for her vomiting felt like a hardship, it was nothing compared to today. As I entered, she was sleeping, snoring loudly, with eyes wide open. I sat with her, held her hand, stroked her forehead and talked to her. I like to think she heard and understood me, but I have nothing more than an optimistic spin to base that on. And perhaps the fact that she calmed slowed her breathing and gently closed her eyes. I simply spoke her name, told her she was ok, safe, under the best of care, and would "be ok'. That's not saying she'll recover but more of a spiritual and philosophical statement. Whatever is to come, she'll be ok. I talked to Dr. Silva, and we called in the hospice nurse and her sister so we could caucus about the changes and road ahead. It got grim or perhaps optimistic depending on how you view such things. He's indicated that she may die in the next few days. It sounds like the downward trend these past couple of days is in line with the pattern of impending death. It's still surreal to consider. Jennifer asked me how I was, and I said, "numb, detached and focused on compassion". I feel attached and detached at the same time. I've got such a challenging history with this woman while also caring and never having stopped hoping for some form of reconciliation regardless of the sporadic bitter blog posts. Today, I was told she might be dead in a few days. That hit hard. that hit Kathy hard. Not because it's a surprise but because it's a surprise. I guess I can't explain it beyond knowing that somebody is dying vs being told it's going to happen this weekend. It's, as Bonnie said, a finality that changes our experiences. Ultimately, life is hard. relationships are complex. Living without what you need in a relationship is complicated. And sorting the baby from the bathwater is hard too. Jen Tommy and I had dinner at the Maroni's tonight. I overate and drank too much, but I needed the diversion. Tommy and Vinny were engaging yet aloof. As one might expect. I'd called Tommy earlier, and he came to SRC to see his mom. Lauren wasn't interested in doing so, and as Tommy said during his visit, the interaction is gone; there's not much to do. I wrestle with that. As I told Jennifer, maybe she hears and comprehends me without being able to indicate so. In any event, I'm anticipating that that finality will perhaps resonate with the kids at some level, now or soon. For me, well, shit, I don't know how to process this. I love Jennifer, deeply and dearly, and I'm so happy. I thought last night how awful I was made to feel about wanting to leave an unhealthy relationship and how much disdain my ending up with Jennifer bought to our interactions. I recall the conversations. The tears. The sobbing. The bitter destine and admonishment. The wailing at tcourtroomoom. All of it and more, culminating in this moment as a muted symbol crash fading ever so slowly to sustained black.