The “Fuck you, Bitch“ aspects of some of my more aggressive private posts are not really me. That’s not who I am. It’s not who I want to be. It’s me reacting to being painted into a corner, feeling completely undervalued and under-appreciated no matter how hard I try.
I still hold some ridiculously ignorant hope that I might have a reasonably healthy rapport and relationship with my ex-wife. Maybe that can happen once she is legally my ex-wife and all of this argumentation and embittered battlement is behind us.
That’s who I am. That’s what I want. That’s what I wanted from the outset. But it doesn’t seem to be within reach.
I certainly have been trying to lean in every possible direction, stretching towards that goal with earnest efforts to achieve it. I have no problem financially providing for my family above and beyond what the law might say I’m required to do. That’s my goal. But I do want the law to tell us what I’m required to do and leave it to me to augment as I wish. And to be repaid any overages at a later date is not unreasonable.
I read something recently that shed light on the fact that I am what one in a psychology or spirituality field would call an “empath”. I feel other people‘s pain. And I am so dialed into hers that it’s inherently interwoven into my psyche. Her pain becomes my pain. Causing her pain causes me pain. Yet yielding without limits to her expectation that I will somehow be the sole and only source of her ongoing financial stability is insane, unreasonable and irrational. It’s not typical either, in the divorce process.
I believe that she is earnestly arguing and fighting as if she’s climbing up the side of a cliff, trying to ensure she doesn’t free fall into the chasm below. Although I am positioned below her, holding a net at my side while orchestrating the placement of ladders and ropes necessary for her to regain her footing and stability. I’ve been doing so for 5+ years. Yet she is so afraid of the possibility of a free-fall that she can not give any consideration to somebody having her back. Me. This is characteristic of her and always has been.
There’s no way I’m going to callously allow her to be at risk of being “on the street”. Whether it be augmenting the necessary financials to get us through the point of selling the house, conceding to her taking her 101k out of the house sale, agreeing to a 401k division that’s rounded in her favor, it’s all something I will do and have been doing.
The struggles I’m dealing with at this point is my anger. I feel a complete lack of recognition on her part of the sincere efforts on mine. That’s when the lashing-out posts comes in the play. That’s my anger and incredulity.
I still have the empathizing characteristics that make me suspect this is not about her trying to fuck me over. This is about her being in a full panic over what she sees as the uncertainties of her future. I see her future as more stable and certain and secure than my own. With the retirement, the house sale and spousal support continuing for another 10 years, I see her as having to moderately supplement her income at best. While I am in the precarious position of being the dominant provider for myself and her and the kids in two homes.
If she lost her job tomorrow she would have the wherewithal to make ends meet while she secured a replacement position. I would be the one in a free-fall. And nobody’s standing below me holding a net.
I still hold some ridiculously ignorant hope that I might have a reasonably healthy rapport and relationship with my ex-wife. Maybe that can happen once she is legally my ex-wife and all of this argumentation and embittered battlement is behind us.
That’s who I am. That’s what I want. That’s what I wanted from the outset. But it doesn’t seem to be within reach.
I certainly have been trying to lean in every possible direction, stretching towards that goal with earnest efforts to achieve it. I have no problem financially providing for my family above and beyond what the law might say I’m required to do. That’s my goal. But I do want the law to tell us what I’m required to do and leave it to me to augment as I wish. And to be repaid any overages at a later date is not unreasonable.
I read something recently that shed light on the fact that I am what one in a psychology or spirituality field would call an “empath”. I feel other people‘s pain. And I am so dialed into hers that it’s inherently interwoven into my psyche. Her pain becomes my pain. Causing her pain causes me pain. Yet yielding without limits to her expectation that I will somehow be the sole and only source of her ongoing financial stability is insane, unreasonable and irrational. It’s not typical either, in the divorce process.
I believe that she is earnestly arguing and fighting as if she’s climbing up the side of a cliff, trying to ensure she doesn’t free fall into the chasm below. Although I am positioned below her, holding a net at my side while orchestrating the placement of ladders and ropes necessary for her to regain her footing and stability. I’ve been doing so for 5+ years. Yet she is so afraid of the possibility of a free-fall that she can not give any consideration to somebody having her back. Me. This is characteristic of her and always has been.
There’s no way I’m going to callously allow her to be at risk of being “on the street”. Whether it be augmenting the necessary financials to get us through the point of selling the house, conceding to her taking her 101k out of the house sale, agreeing to a 401k division that’s rounded in her favor, it’s all something I will do and have been doing.
The struggles I’m dealing with at this point is my anger. I feel a complete lack of recognition on her part of the sincere efforts on mine. That’s when the lashing-out posts comes in the play. That’s my anger and incredulity.
I still have the empathizing characteristics that make me suspect this is not about her trying to fuck me over. This is about her being in a full panic over what she sees as the uncertainties of her future. I see her future as more stable and certain and secure than my own. With the retirement, the house sale and spousal support continuing for another 10 years, I see her as having to moderately supplement her income at best. While I am in the precarious position of being the dominant provider for myself and her and the kids in two homes.
If she lost her job tomorrow she would have the wherewithal to make ends meet while she secured a replacement position. I would be the one in a free-fall. And nobody’s standing below me holding a net.