As I press to get this closed by year-end, in order to leverage the tax breaks required for us to keep the house with predominantly my income alone, she still refuses to make equal efforts or compromises. She stands on one end of the chasm unwilling to meet me in the middle of the bridge I’ve labored so long to craft, design, and reinforce for the stability of all whom it must safely support.
And it just caught fire.
When faced with the resulting proposal, one which will allow us to keep the house, she relays in return how she’ll be short on her baseline bills and that it simply won’t work. I reply with suggestions about changing withholdings to offset the substantial tax refunds she’ll get in April. I recommend she abandon the antiquated cable TV and home phone and reduce to just internet service while using (at no cost to her) my Hulu and Netflix accounts and my media server network too. I recommend she sell some or all of the inherited Gold coins currently worth $30k giving her what would be $300+ a month if doled out over a 4 year span. I suggested that she reduce her projected monthly insurance costs by finding a less expensive plan until her financial situation afford her the opportunity to increase the coverage again.
I offered, too, that in instances when she’s short and needs me to pay more than 50% of my share of the mortgage, I can do so, but I ask in return that I am allowed to pull whatever I contribute between now and the sale of the house off the house sale proceeds before we divide the remaining balance. No interest, just reimburse my excess contribution.
She did not work during our entire marriage. Not once. Leaving all the responsibility on me to provide, which I did… including her 2 year masters degree education, 10’s of thousands towards adoption and fertility treatments, housing rentals, two home purchases, and what literally adds up to well over 2 million dollars I earned over the span of our marriage going into the purchase, mortgage payments, taxes and all other costs of owning a home.
Although she did not work, she did make one significant financial contribution. When her mom passed away, she inherited and used $100k to pay off the 2nd montage on our house. That’s less than 5% to the 95% I put into the family, but it’s worth noting. Specially because she’s insisting now that it be returned.
Because she had deposited it into her own individual checking account, and it was never ‘community property’, it’s within her legal rights to pursue it’s return. Also from the top of the home sale proceeds.
It’s upsetting to me, and has been since this came up in Mediation a few years back as her intention, that she somehow feels justified in taking that $100k back, when it’s the only financial contribution she ever made.
But what’s set this bridge on fire is that her response to my attempt to give sincere input on ways to make things work to keep the house, an effort we should mutually be doing all we can to accomplish for the kids, was to state that giving up Cable TV was not something that “would work for her”, that her tax refunds were not something one could project yet (wrong), that a lower premium insurance plan won’t provide the needed coverage, and that she could not sell the Gold coins because she needs them for her uncertain future. And the clincher: that she can’t agree to reimbursing me any additional coverage on my part of her expenses to keep the house, because she’ll need every penny, due, again, to this uncertain future.
Hypothetically, If I paid an average of $250/month for the next 4 years… that’s $3000/year, or $12,000 total that would be reimbursed to me from the sale of the house. $3000/year, so we can keep the house for the sake of the kids. This after my paying 1/2 of the mortgage, 1/2 of the property tax, 1/2 of the home insurance, and having my own independent expenses based on my having 50% custody of the kids whom I feed, cloth, shelter, drive, and amply provide for in my own home as well.
Hypothetically, if the net proceeds for the house sale were an even $1,000,000, Her taking $100k off the top, effectively taking ‘back’ her only contribution after doing nothing to financially contribute to the demands of providing a home for us and the kids all those years, is justifiable. Yet my expecting that exceeding my legal obligations based on a divorce settlement and possibly taking $12k to reimburse me for covering what should be something she was providing, is seemingly unreasonable.
When this all hit me last night, I was speechless and in shock. Because nothing about her approach was or ever has been “how can we work this out together” or “what compromise can we make to ensure the kids stay in the house” or “let me meet you in the middle of this bridge and I’ll help you weld and stabilize and ensure it withstands the pressures of the next four years of use.” Instead, she’s spilled fuel, and ignited a spark that’s now set it ablaze.
I am sad to say that it’s tragically undeniable, as much as I have resisted accepting it, that she simply does not care about the kids more than she does about herself. All of my efforts have been for them including my willingness and intention to always go above and beyond whenever possible, while she’s stood back insisting that she be taken care off, too.
When I sent that final proposal I specifically stated that “This proposal is the only option I will agree to outside of court direction, and it is the only way we can afford to keep the house.”. My response to her rebuttal to my recommendations was to repeat “This proposal is the only option I will agree to outside of court direction, and it is the only way we can afford to keep the house.”.
I saw my lawyer today. I told him what needs to happen next. The court papers will be filed next week requesting the earliest possible court date to finalize the divorce immediately, with a deferred settlement hearing to follow, and I’m petitioning for a revision of custody to be truly 50/50 down to the hour. I'm holding off for now per his advice on a few other actions for the sake of focus and expediency.
The gloves are off, the match has been tossed, and I’m getting myself and my kids off this fucking bridge.
Running water in a sinking boat
Going under but they've got your goat
Burning down - my hands are tied my feet are bound
Burning down - can't you see that my hands are bound
- R.E.M.