A friend recently sent me a link to this YouTube post, adding, "I thought this one would ‘resonate’ with you.” I considered it a compliment (while questioning the subtext of his use of single quotes). Only a few hours earlier that very same morning, in advance of receiving his share, I had been mentally massaging a lingering post idea about diving into what I do and don’t share, about authenticity, and about the fine line between connecting through transparency and driving someone away through TMI.
What I watched felt like a nudge from the universe to follow through on that writing impulse.
This site has gone through numerous iterations of intention, dominated for over 10 years now by the agony and aspiration of navigating a separation and divorce, a death, highs and lows of parenting, and my constant course correcting as I randomly veer off the mindfulness path into rocky terrain or drift into oncoming traffic because I became distracted by something shiny.
This collection of my thoughts is nothing I openly promote, given that I’m often diving into personal territory that I may not want anybody and everybody to read. Although my name is peppered throughout in one instance or another (including a chewed pencil), I make a point of being unidentifiable. I can count my routine readers on one hand (upon which I am the thumb.) But even within such a small inner circle, how much do I share? How deep do I go? How comfortable am I going ‘full open kimono’ for the sake of connection? Metaphorically.
The YouTube video Jess sent to me explores “The Johari Window”, a quadrant-based approach to reflecting on personal insights and awareness. It’s an approach aligned with what I’d been considering writing with regard to my own daily writing. Not just what I write, but what I might not write out of fear of someone’s judgment.
Do I want the whole world to know that I can occasionally be a snarky, condescending, self-righteous, arrogant, and defensive prick, or is it better they find out one at a time? Would I be judged poorly if I were more open about being a Fanilow? Would it be considered inappropriate to publish my occasional use of THC with an ‘herb’ emoji or, for that matter, my sexual activity using an 'eggplant' emoji, within my existing sidebar showing my 7-day wellness metrics? Does everyone want to know my efforts to not reflexively pick my nose or bite my nails, that I worked briefly in the porn industry, or that I am surprised I’ve not gone blind after decades of masturbation like I was warned would happen as a child?
How much is too much to share?
Oh, those last four sentences? OK. Got it. Sorry.
But seriously, what I appreciate about this video is his intention of self-awareness, reflection, and improvement. A key wish I have when writing as I do is that some of my musings might 'resonate' with others, allowing for more connection around the deeper thoughts and sheltered truths we all most certainly have.
I have been fortunate to have had friends read and respond, and even share, relating to things I have expressed. This writing practice is effectively exposing my lower quadrant. Metaphorically.
I do consider and occasionally moderate what I may post, but I strive to not fear doing so. If I can't be brutally honest in all things I document, I'm curating an image and denying others the chance to know me, and, in comparison or parallel, themselves.
What we lose through authenticity was obtained through deception.