The Aftermath Of A Door Slam

I've been struggling now for years. Years. Wanting and needing to come to some sort of a realization, or acceptance, of the nature of the relationship I've been in and the conflict I've wrestled with all this time.

Having heard earlier this year that she had mockingly sung "J-E-R-K" in a cheerleader-ish fashion after asking that she drop them off to me, which is what we agreed to in our parenting agreement, was fucked up. Ignoring me outright when I'm getting them at their house is fucked up. Saying to my daughter "I could tell you bad things about your dad but I'm a good person and I won't do that" is fucked up. I brushed it off with my daughter, but what's the bottom line message she's sending them? That I'm a bad person.

Her bailing on mediation, twice, cost me over $20k, when the point was to avoid lawyers and court. Scoffing at the numerous concessions I've made re. property settlements including the 401k, the house, her college expenses, and so many more things, while being told in that last fateful mediation session that I was going to "screw her over" and that she "had a right to what she was entitled to" was adding insult to injury.  Then hiring a cunt lawyer (yes, I used that word and yes, it's quite appropriate) who has run up billable hours doing all she can to get NOT what is reasonable, but the most possible that she can get her. And she sits idle as it happens.

My attorney has been upstanding, forthright and honorable. He's been the model of calm integrity and reason. And he recently implied indirectly that her attorney seems to be 'taking direction' from her and not the other way around, as she has implied.

Here's the bottom line. She never really loved me - not at all in the way somebody should love another person. Which includes wanting the best for them even if that doesn't include you. Had she left me instead, and found something that made her happy, I'd be happy for her. That is the core difference between us. But then, I didn't go into our marriage with an agenda. For her, this divorce has all been about her life and dreams being shattered. What about me, my angst, guilt, suffering, hurt, and struggles?

I believe she loved the concept of being married, of doing what 'everybody does' and finally feeling validated and complete. She loved her unrealistic idealization of a fictional family life, of being able to stay at home while leaving the responsibility of providing for the family to fall on me alone while she wiped her ass with the degree I enabled her to achieve.

We're finally at the end, within inches of it, and even at this point in the final negotiations she's showing her true colors, not reading what I wrote and offered, and pressing for more while lamenting her life and circumstances, as if somebody is expected to take care of her for the rest of her life. As if she did a fucking thing for me in 20 years while I did all I could to make her happy in the ways I could. She wouldn't clean, clear clutter, support my role as a father unless I parented her way only, getting a job when things were tough and we needed two incomes, or just letting me listen to or watch things I wanted to listen to or watch without being judged or chastised.

I've vacillated back and forth for years on this blog. I've vented and expressed my disgust and anger along side my idealized hope for an amicable agreement. But I never reached THIS point before. The "point" being that I have, sadly but finally, come to deeply resent and dislike her. That was not something I imagined ever happening. Yet, as I sit here reflecting on all the compromises, considerations and concerns, on all the ancillary side-gestures of thoughtful considerations, the attempts to paint her in a good light to our kids, I recognize it all has been coming from me. It's all one sided.

She's a narcissistic self-centered dependent. She'll never change, she'll only change the story she presents when there's something she wants, including how she needs others to see her as a victim.

I can't believe I've spent all this valuable lifetime with such a parasite. And the sooner I'm done with her, the better. Were it not for the goal of keeping the kids in the house through high school for their sake, I'd have sold it already. Were it not for the fact that I see the battle being unlikely to win, I'd pursue full custody so my poor kids don't have to continue to live with the insane nature of her martyr behavior and drama.

I want absolutely nothing to do with her. And that's saying a lot, given all the good intentions I had that we'd find some way to be on better terms.

Fuck her. And if I ever appear to give a shit again, remind me please to come re-read these entries, and THIS article....

An Open Letter To INFJs In The Aftermath Of A Door Slam

Dear fellow INFJ,

I am proud of you. It’s a strange thing to hear, considering you’ve shut someone out of your life. Others may offer sympathy or express confusion at your severing ties with a person you once (or may still) love dearly, but I know the strength it takes to stand up for yourself in the face of an unhealthy relationship. We INFJs forgive people quite easily. It’s a gift that’s taken for granted many times. You’ve probably lost count of how often you’ve turned the other cheek or shushed your emotional conscience. I know exactly what you’re going through because I am still healing.

Removing another from your life produces an inundation of emotions. Sadness, anger, and guilt come in tidal waves over a period of unplanned time. You must allow yourself to ride out the grief process. No matter what stage you’re in right now, it will get better.

When I stopped speaking to a close friend this past summer, I thought erasing pictures from my phone would force me to move on. I never thought a song playing in a grocery store would make me second guess the hurt I felt every time I swept my feelings under the rug. As I walked through the aisles, I couldn’t help but replay the ups and downs of the relationship. What could I have done to prevent this? Did I make the right decision? Am I a terrible human being?

Like me, you tend to see only the good in people. You put them on pedestals, never once lowering the height, even when they’ve done you wrong. Do not feel guilty for wearing rose-colored glasses. You are blessed to have such a strong, positive faith in others.

Memories filled with goofy grins and bear hugs will make you feel like you’ve thrown away a valuable relationship. You don’t need to regret the time you spent with another. I believe all relationships, past and present, hold value in the lessons we learn from them.

My friend helped me grow in ways he’ll never understand. On the surface, he inspired me to commit to a stronger faith and to take better care of my body. He changed my perspective on silly things like breaking the fourth wall, raw fish, and Spotify. More important, my friend taught me that my feelings are valid and should not be belittled. He made me realize that I don’t need to apologize for being sensitive or loving hard or needing space or wanting affirmation.

I want you to know that ending a relationship for self-preservation isn’t wrong. It’s a sign of knowing yourself. My best friend (who’s also an INFJ) gave me this advice: If another questions your dedication to the relationship, he or she doesn’t know you. INFJs will do anything for the people they care about, sometimes to the extent of ignoring their own needs. By moving on from an unhealthy relationship, you’re respecting your own happiness.

What I Learned From My First INFJ Door Slam

Here are five things I learned from my first (and hopefully only!) INFJ door slam:

1. There’s no right way to cope. Healing is a process that can’t be rushed, whether it’s physical or emotional. The loss of a deep relationship for an INFJ is a wound that won’t be fixed with a band-aid and a brave face. You might need time away from your other friends or family to grieve the person you’ve cut out of your life. When all your anger and frustration fade, you’ll realize that disappointment is a chronic hollow ache. Time and ice cream have a way of making this ache disappear slowly.

2. You’re the one in control. Recognizing when someone invalidates your feelings is the first step to taking the reins of your well being. By choosing to disengage from an unhealthy relationship, you’ve finally put your foot down. While you heal, it’s also important to stay in control. If you need to cleanse your social media of his or her presence, do it. If you need to bury a box of mementos in the backyard, do it. Figure out strategies to focus on moving forward instead of letting the past have power over you.

3. The door may not be locked. It’s true that when an INFJ shuts someone out of his or her life, both people involved will be hurt. Especially if the recipient didn’t see it coming, he or she may become resentful. This isn’t to say that you two will never talk again. Months or years of separation give both parties a chance to reflect on what went wrong and how to move toward better communication. If you do want to lock the door, there is also nothing wrong with moving on completely. Every door slam is different.

4. You’ll find your kindred spirits. I can count the number of people who I think “get me” on one hand. Peeling back the layers of an INFJ is usually a gradual process. If you thought the person who let you down understood your unique spirit, please know your people are out there. To find a tribe of friends who appreciate your intense empathy and wild imagination is like going on a road trip. You’ll get a flat tire, have sketchy cell service, and maybe even pick up a few hitchhikers. It’s going to be an exhausting and frustrating and exhilarating adventure.

5. Creative outlets help you heal. INFJs are creative individuals by nature, especially with a pen. In my angriest moments immediately following fights with my friend, I wrote poetry. Every word I wrote was charged with raw emotions, ones I didn’t dare show face-to-face. Whatever your art form may be, use it to work through your messy, tangled thoughts. It’s therapy only you can provide. Coming back to your work after you’ve calmed down can help you see what parts of you are still hurting.

Always remember that you are a beautiful soul who deserves more than you realize. The hurt will not last forever. Stay hopeful, INFJ.

With much love,

Emily