I don’t believe it’s from my lack of trying. I believe I made a concerted effort to keep dialogue focus on mutually agreeable options, to the best of our abilities. But that did not happen. It’s also likely that how I see things right now … well, it might not be how she saw things play out. She probably feels she made efforts and eventually resigned herself to the same fate we’re facing, based on how she perceived and interpreted my actions and responses too.
In the end, I'm stuck with that lingering realization, the same that I’ve been wrestling with for the last four years. I’m just starting to come to realize it fully. And I feel a loss. I felt that there were things worth holding onto. We spent 10+ years together, and now we are unable to even talk without things devolving quickly into irritation and contention. When I’m at the house, she’s either visibly upset, uncomfortable with my presence, or staying out of site. It's easy to wave it off from the outside, but this is my heart and my feelings, and I’m struggling with having to let go of the hope and belief that this need not be an “all or nothing” scenario.
This is really who I am deep down. I've never felt good having a relationship “end” vs having it change. I don't believe that realizing you don’t want to continue to be in a relationship means you can’t sort out and retain what’s good about it. Friendships or more. Life is so short. Why would you choose otherwise? Yet as it stands, my perception is that I’m not trusted, not recognized, not welcome, and not seen as somebody who’s still trying to act on the best intentions.
I guess all I can do is accept that. I'm gradually doing so, more and more, but it's still sad to me. I have to admit that. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. But the ball is no longer in my court.