This weekend, my brother came down from Utah to stay with us, while visiting our mom, and a significant moment came with his visit. We’ve been coordinating more these past months as we’ve come to meet our half-sister, I her mom, and as we have, we’ve regained a desire to sort through the history of our father given new information. It’s been wonderful, and my mom’s recent surgery become a catalyst for his coming to the Bay Area once again. His wife and he drove down, with a few other short stops along the way, and I wanted to facilitate his meeting our dad’s first wife, while she was in Half Moon Bay with Lisa.
As we coordinated our schedules it occurred to me, out of the blue, that I should have him stay with us. I knew he was coming down, I knew they’d not want to stay with my mom, and I knew I did not not want him spending money on a hotel when I have room at home. The timing was such that the kids would be with me overnight, too, and I expected that would be something they’d really enjoy.
After a short exchange trying to coordinate when/where to meet for how long, another realization surfaced and I said we should all just converge our our place in San Jose where we could linger in comfort for as long as we like and get some take-out.
Lisa, her husband, my brother, his wife, my kids, and I, came together for several hours, telling stories, laughing, looking at photos and just connecting. All with “Herb Albert” playing in the background. Later, when it was just us and he and his wife, while the kids were off doing their own respective things, we had a chance to talk about all sorts of things in vast depths.
It touched me that David wanted to come stay with me including hanging out for the bulk of the day and evening instead of going to see our mom both Sunday and Monday. He opt’d for Sunday w/me and Monday with her. Which seemed odd to me at first
Typically, he/I don’t get much time ‘off stage’ in the realm of our mom’s home, with a broader audience, and with a very different energy. This was an opportunity for us to just ‘be’ without the demands and the drama.
We had a great chance to talk about personal things including our mom, or dad, the past months, and growing up. We’re in our late 50’s now but we still don’t feel like adults, especially with our mom, who at times we want to confront and/or raise issues that might challenge her with other than agreement or compliance. That’s never been easy for me, but the changes I’m experiencing and the focus of this year for me includes “recovery” and part of recovery is taking control of and addressing the things that cause me to experience anything negative. So having some frank discussions and setting limits and boundaries may be on the near horizon for me.
When my brother and his wife left, it was on the most ‘adult’ terms I’ve experienced with him in some time. Maybe I’ve changed, or we’ve both changed, but it’s a good change. We might not be ready to discuss politics or religion or gun legislation, but we can still find things that feel familial. Including our recollections of our childhood, the specific reel-to-reel, 8-track and LPs that we recall having been influenced significantly by. A few of which I shared with him and have captured in the photo above. He left with an LP of “Whipped Cream and other Delights” which I’d bought for him, when it appeared before me at the front of a thrift store bin of records the day after having sent him a photo of my own copy while discussing these specific items which we both hold fond memories of. Karma, fate coincidence.... whatever it is, it’s staying alive.