That Snap You Heard Was My Breaking Point

I've reached a breaking point. I've spent 3+ years trying my best to make this divorce process as painless as possible. I've kept funding and providing for the home and kids and her, but to no avail. I transitioned slowly, coming home after work each night in order to have dinner, being at the home with them in the evenings, to gradually working into my own place and cutting back to 3 or 4 nights/week. Yet after 2 mediators, both of which she has bailed on for what I consider ridiculous and unreasonable reasons, after putting me $15,000+ in credit card debt and climbing, Well... I'm leaving the high road behind, and cutting through the brush with a vengeance.

I've told my lawyer to take off the gloves and to "end this".

I hate seeming cold and unsympathetic. That's NOT me at all. I also hate being taken advantage of, being in deep debt, and sacrificing myself for somebody that doesn't care to make an equal effort to make this work. So now I get to decide which I hate more.

 

There's this point called "halfway" at which most people would meet. There have been numerous times, constantly, that I've gone above and beyond to be kind and generous and supportive of her 3-years of failure to find a job, let alone make a substantive and sustained effort.

 

She's not gotten a job. She hasn't worked since we married 15 years ago and I supported her through college to get a master's degree she pretty much shat on in the end, in order to get the kids next through adoption and then IVF measures, and then the house, the next house, then remodeling. I bought homes, moved, switched jobs, chased money, and I was the sole provider the whole entire time.

 

I tolerated hoarding behavior so bad that I had to climb over things and sleep under piles of crap on the bed. I lived in such a tense space for a neat-freak such as myself, and I pretty much saw everything about myself become all about working to provide for and strive for her happiness. And it cost me "me".

 

I love my kids dearly, and I will always care about her and feel bad for having caused the upset that my leaving caused. But you know what? I did ALL I COULD and she could NOT be happy. I gave all I had, and she could not be happy. And throughout this 3 years of divorce I've worked to provide status quo, and to make it easy for the kids, and I even managed to coordinate and offer a settlement above and beyond what the courts would mandate so she'd be able to get by without a job, or just a part time one, should she wish.

 

But I am still the bad guy. I always will be the bad guy. Because after 12 years of trying to make something work that could not, I had to save myself, before I took myself out completely. It was that bad. Yet I still tried to do the best I could in years 13-15, too. Also to no avail. And again, I have to save myself.

I will always be the bad guy. But I think I can live with that. I REALLY don't have any other choice at this point.