I decided several months ago to toss all of mine, and earlier this week, I threw a massive collection of my personal history into the recycle bin. Not more than 10 minutes later, I was digging it back out.
My collection of cards and letters were from friends and family, yet mostly from ex-girlfriends and one ex-wife. And like I found with Linda's, many of mine were simple cards with passing endearments or birthday wishes or thank you's. Those were eventually returned to the recycling bin without further consideration.
What I retrieved and retained from the initial dumping was about 10%, but they paint stories and reveal my character, experiences and aspirations. And struggles too. I kept a few copies of letters I sent and notes as I worked through one particularly grueling breakup. I'd forgotten about all of these experiences. I remember the people and some of the situations, but to glimpse back into some of the more detailed references in cards and letters about those shared experiences and conflicting agendas was a challenge and a reminder.
One of the things my counselor has been working with me on is "Radical Acceptance," which, in the simplest of terms, is reflecting on something with an aggressive stance of "it is what it is." Or, in this case, "it was what it was."
What I retrieved and retained from the initial dumping was about 10%, but they paint stories and reveal my character, experiences and aspirations. And struggles too. I kept a few copies of letters I sent and notes as I worked through one particularly grueling breakup. I'd forgotten about all of these experiences. I remember the people and some of the situations, but to glimpse back into some of the more detailed references in cards and letters about those shared experiences and conflicting agendas was a challenge and a reminder.
One of the things my counselor has been working with me on is "Radical Acceptance," which, in the simplest of terms, is reflecting on something with an aggressive stance of "it is what it is." Or, in this case, "it was what it was."
With Linda's passing and my reflections on our history, it's filled with frustration, failure, resentment and self-doubt for not having "succeeded." Yet the radical truth is that I never could have or would have. It wasn't possible. It was a no-win situation. My doubt is learned behavior that needs to be overridden with the clear-minded recognition of the many efforts and concessions I did make, which were numerous and constant. They just didn't work. Not due to any fault of mine but to the dynamic and dysfunction of an unhealthy and unworkable relationship.
Reading some of those writings brought forth a reminder. Those feelings did get resolved, the situation was accepted in time, and looking back, I have no regrets or a sense of failure to have made something work that would not. I see the whole scenario with a vastly different level of awareness now than I could then. So what am I wrestling with currently that'll be as accepted and obvious in 10 years?
It also struck me that losing these cards and letters, emails, texts, and posts means there's no lasting physical connection. No paper with handwritten thoughts that bring a rich sense of personal connection to them even after all these years. Or perhaps because of them.
As I mentioned, I sifted through about 1/3 of the collection so far. It put my experiences with Renee, Melissa, Toni and others in a new light. For now, I have set aside the more detailed deep dive and exploration within other areas of the collection. Some warrant my full attention.
"Time heals all wounds" appears true in hindsight. As does "It is difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame".
Reading some of those writings brought forth a reminder. Those feelings did get resolved, the situation was accepted in time, and looking back, I have no regrets or a sense of failure to have made something work that would not. I see the whole scenario with a vastly different level of awareness now than I could then. So what am I wrestling with currently that'll be as accepted and obvious in 10 years?
It also struck me that losing these cards and letters, emails, texts, and posts means there's no lasting physical connection. No paper with handwritten thoughts that bring a rich sense of personal connection to them even after all these years. Or perhaps because of them.
As I mentioned, I sifted through about 1/3 of the collection so far. It put my experiences with Renee, Melissa, Toni and others in a new light. For now, I have set aside the more detailed deep dive and exploration within other areas of the collection. Some warrant my full attention.
"Time heals all wounds" appears true in hindsight. As does "It is difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame".