On The Turning Away

I've noted before that my experiences, to date, with death, have been minimal and sheltered. I've become increasingly aware through the years that at some point I'll witness to an increasing percentage of people I've known in my life, passing away, until it's me that does so instead of them. I absolutely dread that the odds will only increase that I'll experience the loss of friends and family more and more in the coming decades. This evening, I glimpsed the early warning signs of such an instance, when a distant friend reached with something important they needed to tell me.

We met and dated in the early 90's for about 2.5 years. I went through some dramatic moments in her life with her, including burying her father. We also had a rather dramatic breakup, at my instigation. We still got together on occasion, until I entered a serious relationship that evolved into my first marriage, and she moved east to attend to her aging mother. We have since digressed into more "social media" friends. We seldom talk, just text here and there, any once very year or two I'll send her coffee from a local shared favorite shop in Los Gatos. Which made her contacting me directly, via text, saying she needed to talk to me, all the more foreboding.

I wasn't sure I wanted to respond at first. I know she regrets the breakup and has told me I was the love of her life, which is a complement but that can be awkward when I've since found one my own, elsewhere. At the same time, I didn't want to ignore the call and likely learn later that something did happen to her and I was not considerate enough to respond to her outreach.

It felt awkward but I took a breath, stepped onto the patio for better cell connection, and called. She sounded sick. She relayed that she had Orthostatic Hypotension, and the experiences she's having sound horrible. Dizziness, falling repeatedly, walking spastically, and all sorts of other horrible side effects. All being endured alone, without any support of friends or family, at 59. I didn't known what to say. I never known what to say in situations like this.

It felt like she was saying goodbye. And I don't know how to do that.

I listened, and she did say there were some possible solutions which I'm hoping will work for her. It still sounded bleak though, and tragic. I talked briefly about the impermanence of life, and my hope that we hold onto the good from the time we had as part of this grand experience, while we can. 

For me, the fact is that she and many others have contributed to my life and have been instrumental in influencing my character and who I am today.

I feel like I need to put some time into learning how to mange situations like this. Assuming I out-live a friend that's dying, when I get news of that, I don't want to respond with distance and avoidance. I don't know how to face it head on yet, but I most certainly do not want to turn away from it either. I don't want to look away, deviate to small talk or pretend that everything will be OK when it likely won't. In some cases it most certainly won't.

As people I known and care about start declining in health and/or end up facing something terminal, I want to be able to be genuine, sincere, honest, loving, and supportive. I want to be able to tell them how grateful I am for their influences, the memories and experiences shared, and that even in their passing, I will always carry a part of them with me.

I definitely want to work on this being a conscious way of living and interacting. Because in some instances, I may not have the luxury of knowing in advance. 

I've felt this way for many years. Now I feel like time is starting to speeding up and will continue doing so before running out suddenly.

"Don't accept that what's happening

Is just a case of others' suffering

Or you'll find that you're joining in

The turning away"

- Pink Floyd