I'm not perfect, and it never feels right to point out somebody else’s flaws or shortcomings when I know my own so intimately. I get frustrated by little things, like losing my keys or getting into the checkout lane at the grocery store only to find that I forgot my wallet. I can be easily distracted. I can be stubbornly opinionated. And I can be obsessive about organization and structure.
I don’t do well living in clutter. And I did, for many many years, live in a very difficult and cluttered environment. It’s part of what drove me to a point where, for my own well being and sanity, I needed to get out. But I left something very important to me behind and it’s beginning to surface that doing so has negative consequences. Because what i left behind was my two kids. And what I left, seemingly still remains as an issue for them to now be struggling with.
In a recent conversation with one of my kids, I asked them if, when they’re with me, the dog sleeps with their mom in her room and keeps her company. They said the dog did keep her company, yes, but mom sleeps on the couch, not in her room. Which surprised me to hear because, just a couple of months ago, she had a new queen size bed delivered.
“Mom sleeps on the couch?” I asked. “Yes” they replied. “She’s been sleeping there for about a month.”
“Why!” I responded. “Doesn’t she like her new bed?”
“She likes the bed, she just can’t get to it.” was the answer. “First, there’s the hallway going into the bedroom which is filled with stuff, it’s hard to get past it, and once you do, you can’t get to the bed. It’s blocked and covered with stuff. So she sleeps on the couch.” they continued. “Her room is like watching one of those Hoarder shows.”
That’s when the wind was knocked out of me. And it’s still excruciating to have heard this, and to struggle with my own responsibilities about it at this point.
This behavior goes way back, prior to me, and originates to some degree in her childhood and around her father’s own apparent similar behavior. At least as far as I can piece together from stories I’d heard and the circumstances of his home upon his demise. And although our home never reached such a state prior to buying the home they’re in today, we also had hired housekeepers to come routinely, which helped ensure some upkeep.
It’s not only sad for me to see my kids in this, it’s sad for me to think that she is aware of but in denial of how much of a problem this is, both at the same time.
When I would express my frustrations, she’s insisted that it bothered her as much if not more than it bothered me, but no action was taken. At least, that is, no upkeep was maintained. It’d reach a point of being a mandated task to address it and once every year or two there’d be an effort to get things back to a reasonable state. But it never lasted.
I assumed the opportunity for the queen bed installation brought about cleaning. It probably did. But now, well, it’s back to the way it was it seems, and the kids are dealing with it, likely suffering and struggling with it too.
After moving out and going through the separation and counseling and while broaching my feelings about starting the divorce, I wrote her a long detailed letter explaining all the numerous issues and incidents that had led me to reach the conclusions I’d arrived at. This is part of what I’d written….
The state of the home has been unbearable. My needs are not for a ‘museum’ level of order but something far more bearable then the utter unlivable nature the home has become. There are very few cabinets that you can even access the contents of. There are things blocking other things that can be gotten to. There’s expired meds in the backs of cabinets, there’s a crap-load of stuff crammed in the hall closets, bedroom closets, even the kids closets. And the garage was the last battle I let go of long ago. I cleaned the refrigerator recently and it’s already on it’s way back to the state it was before. None of this is acceptable to me, let alone acceptable as an example for our children. You’ve referred to my family as ‘pig people’ but the moldy food in the fridge and bugs in the pantry are worse.
What’s all the worse about the condition is the fact that you’ve repeatedly allowed it to return after my efforts to address it. Take the bugs in the pantry. There’s a dozen or so in there today, minimum. A few months back I got sick of living with it, cleared and cleaned everything and found the source. A little while later you said they were back and you’d not found them. Tonight I reached that same point, found the source in under 40 seconds, and discarded the rotten open unsealed container of seeds they were it. The pantry’s returned to be a packed, stuffed storage area filled with haphazardly positioned items on top of and in front of other items. Stale chips, bags with 5% remanent crumbs, and scatted unorganized items strewn about. And bugs flying all about. It’s beyond nauseating to me that you have the nerve to attack my character regarding how I behave at the dinner table if I audibly burp, all the while a few feet away, that sickening example of total disregard for simple cleanliness and a healthy environment for our children sits unattended for the umpteenth week in a row. I’ve gotten sick of and taken control of cleaning and organizing the pantry, the fridge, the cupboards, the pots/pans areas, the spice cabinet, the entry way closet…. and look at them all today.
When I told you, in counseling, about how the state of the house effected me, you said you’d not realized it was so bad for me. I find that not only impossible but it shows how little it really did matter, because every month or two I’d break down and have to upturn one or more baskets filled with crap in order to do my laundry. More than once I’d take to sleeping on the couch because I could not stand being in the room. And in the final stages I’d just have to accept finding a space to sleep under piles of stuff left on the bed that I just didn’t want to have to move myself. And if nothing else, the complete and utter emotional breakdown I went through in that luxury townhouse in Tahoe a couple of years ago… that alone should have been all it took. In fact I recall you promising then that you’d take care of the problem once and for all. And add to that the multitude of the easiest and simplest requests like not leaving the dishwasher open or parking and leaving me adequate space, keeping the garage clear on my behalf, not moving my things without telling me, and many other things that gradually contributed to my growing sense of having no respect or appreciation for all I worked to achieve for you in order to have and provide for our family.Realizing this week that my kids are dealing with this has my stomach in knots. I wrestle with the ‘next steps’. I know it’s wrong to downplay it to them and rationalize it. It’s not healthy, it’s not reasonable and it’s not sane. And like the dysfunction of our marriage, this behavior should not be allowed to set the expectation that this is an acceptable situation or that one should be forced to live in such conditions.
I’m going to have to have an honest heart-to-heart with each of them. It’ll have to be direct and delicate at the same time. I don’t want to put them in the middle or to feel that they have to defend their mom. I just want to make it clear that it’s not OK, it’s not normal, and they can and should feel safe in coming to me for help, and to be aware that this is a problem their mom has a need to overcome.
The next step, really, given what little success I’d ever had before, might be to call in CPS to go inspect the situation. That’s gonna be a hard decision to make. And it really should not. They need to be more important to me to protect than her.