Sometimes what I write about here isn’t me expressing conclusions and firm positions as much as me reinforcing ideas for myself. Feelings that might be challenging or difficult to understand or even defend. This becomes, on occasion a self-expressive platform for talking to the universe about something, while talking it out, at the same time. And maybe I'm even looking to instill it by writing it in public, where it’s harder to retract or dismiss. This is the case here, as I write about the conflict I feel over gaining from another’s loss.
I’ve just posted on my public blog about my kids becoming young adults. I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of days since having taken a photo of my daughter that initiated the desire to write about it. I hesitated briefly while thinking about the post this morning, not sure about writing it or not because a friend from my early days at Apple has lost her child to suicide earlier this year. I worried about how that might be painful. Painful in a way that reminds her of her loss as I boast or reflect on watching my kids growing up. Yet it’s her experiences that have contributed to my having a deeper appreciation for the experience of parenting. I’ve been following her blog posts, trying to be as supportive as I can, yet I struggle to admit here that the experience of reading and hearing about her loss is something I find myself gaining from... and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Her posts are brutal and honest, and on occasion, they’ve caused me to fear for her well being through this. Yet, conversely, It’s through her writing that I’ve become more present and conscious of my own love for my children, more aware of how fragile life is, and more mindful of how a young adult might struggle in today’s society as they grow into and face adulthood. It’s through her loss that I feel more aware of and wanting to ensure my own kids have a sense of support, an outlet, and an understanding that struggles are predominantly temporary, and that good things come along after bad things happen.
And I will even admit too that am trying to learn from her pain, for my own awareness of the lessons I want to impart to my kids. To not lose my own hope, to not give up when the next thing blindsides me, to not act on impulse should things feel difficult or hopeless, and to recognize and utilize the support I have too. Because shit can get real sometimes… real hard, real scary, real painful. For all of us.
There is a part of me that feels horrible that somebody’s loss, anybody's, whether I know them or not, is something I might glean something ‘of value’ from. I’d really rather not have it had happened to her at all. I’d trade what I’m learning from this for her to have her son back in a heartbeat… this is not the only way I can reinforce my perspective on life.
I'm encouraging her writing and reaching out to others by all means possible, because something has to come out of this, something other than her complete devastation. I know for a fact that her story, her grueling pain, the daily struggles and ongoing experiences, as everybody else's lives continue around her "slow-motion-existence" through this nightmarish process, can make a difference to others. It can help remind others to be present, as It has for me. And I can only imagine that for somebody that had a loss of this magnitude, they would gain from the realization that they’re not alone, that they can and need to take care of themselves, and that others have walked the painful trail this puts them on. And hopefully, in some manner, something might come from this, if only the chance to help another person through the grief and loss so few can imagine enduring.
I would like to imagine I’d have the same strength she has shown by being as transparent and honest about her experiences through this. I’d like to imagine too that my doing so might help others navigate the path as well. I don’t know that I could. But I’ve been inspired by her having done so… maybe that too is yet another hidden opportunity for something, anything, even moderately positive to come out of such a negative scenario.