Up All Night, Down All Day.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep for months. I probably haven’t had more than a handful of good nights sleep every year for the past five years. The stress of the divorce process has taken it’s toll in immeasurable ways. My job performance, my focus, my sleep, my confidence, my tolerance, my self-esteem, they are all compromised. And although I will walk through the day pressing forward to do the best I can to make it until that next restless night begins, the truth is, I am still broken.

Yet as is unspokenly expected, I have to put on a brave face and shrug it off. When asked “how did you sleep?” I say “fine.” When ask “How are you holding up?” I downplay the aspects of the internal struggles. Because just like somebody asking “How are you?”, I don’t believe that most people really want to hear the details around how hard this has been. Especially after 5 years of doing it.

Once shared, many have opinion about what I should do or should have done, how long it's been, and how I should have a different perspective or just 'let it go'. Although I know they’re trying to help, somtimes it feels like I’m being judged or corrected, and there’s no real understanding of the depth and complexities of my circumstances, actions, intentions and struggles to keep my sanity throughout it all. 

I made the change I made in order to be happier, and I am happier than I was, but there's aspects of this that are, for lack of a better term, haunting and seemingly unsurmountable.