I can honestly say that no experience in my life, prior to this divorce, has uncovered and exposed the depth and scope of feelings that I am capable of experiencing. And, perhaps exposed their limitations, too.
I’m entering into what I hope to be the final phase of the process. As posted previously, I reached a breaking point last year that brought me to the realization that there was absolutely no value or benefit in continuing to fight and bicker through lawyers because they were the only ones benefiting. And the amount of money being spent fighting fights, as is the classic scenario you read it so frequently, costs more then concession.
I’m trying hard to keep in mind, as this plays out, that the concessions I’m making are the price I pay for honestly. The cost of looking in the mirror and feeling like a decent human being. As for that honestly, given what I have come to recognize about the person I’m dealing with and their ability to manage the situation, I will admit here that I’d feel like my heartfelt intentions at the outset of this would be betrayed by making this a harder situation than it simply has the capacity to be, when all the specifics are factored into the equation.
The range of bitterness and anger I’ve been dealing with in the last 24 hours is overwhelming and extreme. And the breadth of emotional highs and lows, the angst, the self reflection, all of that and more, I cannot believe how densely and sporadically so many different feelings surface and subside.
I am in the situation I am in of my own accord. Yes, I played a roll in this, calling out the hypocrisy of the circumstances, but I don’t accept full responsibility for it not having worked out. I still believe that I did everything I could, to the best of my ability, to make it work. She probably feels the same from her vantage point as well and I’d be wrong to argue that point. Ultimately what we each needed and wanted were not in harmony from the outset, and I think it was recognized early on. Still, I sincerely tried to adapt, embrace, and change as much as I could. I can’t say the same for her, but then again, she’d been coming at it with a different mindset too. In the end it’s mutually tragic if you step back and look at it from a distance. And it was never my expectation that I would leave my son in a situation where he feels compelled to be the man in the house, or that my daughter would feel a compulsion to constantly ensure both parents were ok, or that I’d not succeed in making this decision one we would both manage with grace and even end up on good terms following the decision.
Even with all of the conflict and guilt and distain and anger and aggravation and impatience and frustration I’ve experienced, even with the complete sense of disregard I feel from her for the person I am and have tried to be throughout this, I will always feel bad for the pain she felt through this process. I will always regret that my expectations that we might have shared the goal of amicability didn’t come to fruition. No matter what lies ahead for me through the happiness I’ve found in a new relationship and the optimism I feel for my kids learning the value of having integrity while being honest and ensuring their own happiness is not sacrificed in their choices, this will remain a point of sadness for me. Even with the lingering hope I’ve yet to relinquish, albeit it significantly diminished at the moment, that she will find closure and recognize my best intentions within the concessions I’ve made in our legal agreements , it’ll be a wound that will likely never heal. For either of us. But that is a price of honestly as well.
“For every path you follow there's another left behind
Every door you don't kick open there's a million more to try
And for everything you've taught me here's the one
I've learned the best
There is nothing but the moment
Don't you waste it on regret
It's out of my hands, out of my hands
But I miss my friend, I miss my friend
So this is the price of honesty
But I'm not sorry”
- “The Moment”, but Toad the Wet Sprocket