This is a massive step for me. To disclose this. I know that she can and will likely go ballistic, and cast all sorts of negative dispersions my way. And I'm prepared for them.
I was told more than once, that should she pass away, I never let anybody see the mess of the house. She new for years and years how horrible it was and is still. But it was really important to her that nobody know.
Nobody, I guess, besides me, a neat-freak minimalist, and of course, her two children, who've grown up in this clutter and chaos their whole lives.
Both kids have commented on it, and have seen the cleanliness I have put forth in my own home. It's one of the reasons I had to leave. I could not stand this. I even had an extreme emotional breakdown at one point, sobbing at the thought of continuing in this mess. But even that was not enough for her to recognize and respect the horrible negative effects of living this way.
She'd tell me "it bother me as much as it bothers you." But I'd try to clean it and be stopped, told I didn't know what was of important or not, and that she'd do it but I could not. Yet she would not. And the few times it was addressed, more often by me than her, it quickly returned to this state.
I'm a good person and even now, after having left, this feels like a betrayal to post. But I'm not doing so to attack her. I'm doing so to defend myself. To put forth evidence that conveys the nature of the situation and how, for me, it was not surmountable.