It's time to try again. I've said that I know, more than once. With the best intentions. But then... life happens. Deadlines demand, interruptions erupt, delays delay. And a half a year plus goes by as the cobwebs and dust build on something once again left behind.
Time is ticking and I'm getting old. It sucks. Big time. So much so that I often start to wonder how I'll hang in or if I will at all. There'll come a time, I expect, where the effort outweighs the rewards and I'll start wondering what happened, and how I stopped living and started waiting to not.
So, yes, it's been a tumultuous year. Separation has progressed to divorce which pretty much was the plan. But the plan wasn't that I'd put on 35lbs, or that I'd wrestle with sifting fear from rational thinking when it comes to my son's emotional and mental well being, or that I'd be continuing to try and do the right thing without including the words "for me" in that effort.
There's been some wins. My son, finally, after at least 2 years, seems to have started to turn a corner, to open up and start to trust me. I left out the word "again" because i've realized he likely never did trust me. Not due solely to my own efforts or actions, negative or positive, but because I don't really think he has or did even well before I chose to leave. I don't think he did in great part because the constant message was that he could not, that my actions were not ok, no matter how OK they really were or should be. Because they were called out as being examples of how we don't act or respond.
What a cluster fuck of a way to have lived, and what a fucked up position to put me, and my son, in.
Fast forward ~3 years and with efforts and direct dialog, I think he's seeing something he overlooked before. My intention. My love for him and her are unparalleled. It's crazy to love somebody this much. I tell them time and time again how much I love them and yes, I might not like their behavior and I might be upset or irritated or exasperated by their behavior from time to time but I really do love them.
I think he's getting it. I feel like he's seeing the efforts as well as coming to recognize the source of the issues and problem he witnessed as well as endures in the home.
I'm committed to being there, giving him coping skills, helping him put things into perspective, and knowing he's a good person.
Because he, and she, REALLY are amazingly wonderful people.
I will promote the hell out of that.
