My good friend Matt's father, Ervin Conens, passed away today at the 'ripe old age' of 87. Since the age of 13, I've been friends with Matt, and his family, and they've seen me grow up over the past 40 some years. His father, whom we affectionately called "Mr. C." in our close circle of 4 friends, was always welcoming, engaging, and quick with a story or odd tidbit or observation.Matt and I have remained friends all our lives, despite more than once having had enough of each other's quirks and characteristics. His home was always open to me and I would visit frequently, weekly in my youth and several times a year as age and responsibility took me on my own path. My children met his parents on more than one occasion as they too grew up. Beyond my own parents, I've likely known his the longest of almost all my friends. And of all my friends parents, Matt's mom and dad were as close to family as I have had outside of my own.
As I came to understand it through the occasional conversation about deeper matters then Springsteen and spring fever, Matt's father was the source of both pride and frustration for him, as I expect it is for all sons including myself. And likely my own. From my own experience with the conflicts of parent/child relationships, having been on both sides of the fence, the love between a father and a son is a battle of wills and control for both sides. Neither really wants to win yet nether really wants to lose. The independence of the child is the natural goal and heartbreak of adolescence, while adulthood brings the recognition of the father as not just a figure head, but a man with all the qualities and shortcomings of any human being, including yourself. Bringing up a child ready to stand tall and resolute against forces in the world far more daunting then the shadowy figure of a blocked doorway at bedtime enforcing a curfew regardless of one's need to finish the last 4 pages in order to find out what happens to Magneto and Titanium Man is just one measure of success. Another is bringing up a son with the right values, character and judgement to make choices in life that choose right over wrong. He did so. And he influenced me in many positives ways with his character, charm, approachability and good nature.
During the past decade I've been to see Mr. & Mrs C somewhere between 25-50 times. Some were short visits while dropping by to pickup Matt or drop something off while others were opportunities to visit with the full family, all seated around a small round kitchen table telling stories and sharing thoughts. I've memories of pulled pork sandwich dinners, of a night without power spent listening to music on a wind up victrola, and of watching the last Johnny Carson show with them in their living room. There's plenty more yet one stands out as key. I visited in January of 2013, after a medical scare had taken place and my gut told me the opportunities to spend some quality time with him would be diminishing. So on that visit I sat down, and focused my attention and dialog on Mr. C., asking questions, bringing up history, and laughing a great deal all the while. It was not my last visit but one of the more 'rich' ones and the one I have in my mind as i write this. I remember leaving that night, doing 'the secret handshake' and thinking silently to myself that if this was the last time I saw him, I'd feel good about his knowing he was an important part of my life.
I have joked for decades with he and his wife that I was the son they really wanted, but didn't get. They always made me feel, from way back in 1973, like a part of their family. That never wained, even up to having the opportunity to visit him one last time in the hospital last week. I learned of his passing earlier today and although expected, It took me by surprise to have been so saddened by the news that I had to take time in my car to regroup from the tears. Tears for my friends family's loss as well as my own.
The burial is to be a small group, mostly family, of which I am honored to be considered an extended part of.