When I started dating a woman years ago, she had a "CTR" ring on her hand. I asked her what it meant and she said it was a principle that guided her decisions in life. We were making out at the time and it soon explained why things never progressed further. She was Mormon and CTR meant "choose the right". As in making the right decision.I had a great weekend with my son and daughter but when the time for me to leave came, earlier then is usual, things got difficult. She seemed fine but he was clearly upset and struggling with my incoming departure. It went from anger to challenge to tears and ended in a clearly painful concession and statements of love for me through an obviously forced smile.
It broke my heart. I did not "have to leave" then but I would have eventually. As has been the case a few times of late, a really great time ends with a struggle at the time I have to go. He wants me to stay. And I want to stay for him and for his benefit but I also leave for his and my own benefit too. Staying is not an option, at least not a healthy one, for either of us.
It's a horrible situation and his sensitivity to it seems to have increased in parallel with the quality of the time we spend together. It makes perfect sense to me but at his age, it makes none at all. He wants me there. What child would not?
Choosing the right is extremely difficult in this situation. The right seems to have "the wrong" tied to it in any scenario, and that is something I struggle to balance daily. I left because situations become unbearable and those have not changed. Yet there is now something else unbearable and unless I am completely and inexcusably cruel and self-focused I can't let it go unaddressed.
We sat and talked before I left. When the forced smiles began. I did all I could to convey that I love him and will be back tomorrow. But he's 10. He can't understand why. And I can't make it so he does.