Maybe it's the colder weather, or perhaps a seasonal malaise brought on by the pressures and deadlines of Christmas being piled on top of the already strained daily grind. But I'm in a funk again. I'm depressed. The only thing that's up in my life right now is my weight. Last night I spent about 2 hours into the evening and early morning trying to take action on making a gift list, filling wishes of others and starting several work related tasks. And I've nothing to show for it. I could not take action or complete anything. I have so many unfinished writings, incomplete tasks and pressing things to tackle, but I've no energy or interest in doing so.
I actually went to bed and just laid there, looking up at the ceiling in the darkness, and wondered how I'd reached such a mental state. I once was a far more positive and joyous person, but of late, I'm filled with anger, frustration, cynicism and constant regret for being a lack luster partner in my marriage, regret for not being a good enough role model for my two children, who's behavior issues echo my own immaturity, and regret for not being as on top of things at work as I believe is expected and reasonable.
Right now I feel like a fish that's been placed on a wooden pier. But not one that's flapping about, arching one way or another in an attempt to somehow find my way back into the water. No, I feel more like the fish that's just lying there, still, eyes fixed on the horizon, gasping rhythmically but without hope or even the belief that there's any other option.