I'm feeling much better now. As early as late that same evening, I started to pul out of the nose dive and inch my way back into the ocean again. Part of the inspiration came from several emailed comments, including my wife's comment that she thought I was saying that I'd be happier back in my single days, living alone in a small apartment and under a far more controlled environment. I responded that I was not lamenting being a husband, but being a lack-luster husband. I don't regret being a husband and a father, but i do lament the 'quality' of my performance in both. I've been working in 'reaction mode' for years now and it's starting to show.
But on the heals of that exchange, I did stop to assess those many things I should and do appreciate having. An extremely tolerant wife who's also working in 'reaction' mode, kids that still run to hug me when I arrive home at the end of the day, regardless of how I might have blown it earlier by getting angry at them for not jumping through 4 hoops on the first command. And my job.... holy crap, when I stop to think about what I do, I'm floored. I'm one of a team of 6-12 players that bring one of Apple's flagship products to the market. How cool is that? Mac enthusiasts dream of getting to be involved in what I see and do. I'm amazingly fortunate to be doing this, and keeping that in mind makes the workload and how I approach it all the more challenging and exciting.
After a rough weekend, my wife bought me the audio version of "Screamfree Parenting" and I've been listening to that one the way to/from work each day. It's helping me put a good deal of things into perspective, including the fact that parenting is hard for everybody and figuring out how to do the right things that help manage their development is not something the rest of the world seems to have nailed down while I'm busy banging my head against the wall. So I'm learning to stop banging my head against the wall. In addition, it's helping me remain focused not on what I expect of them, but of myself.
Wednesday night provided me with an opportunity to share beers with Apple co-workers from many years back. One, Jon, was an intern our team brought on back in the mid-ninties who was subsequently hired and has since become one of the primary engineers and contributors to our core disk technologies. We've developed a friendship over the years and revel in discussing everything from parenting to the Cosmos and all things science and soclal. The other, another from the same team, was one of the two irish friends that prominently figure in my Singapore travel story. Ken was one of the three visitors I moved from our downtown Singapore hotel to the island resort we so greatly enjoyed. 10 years my senior, Ken's a bright techophile type. So between the three of us and a couple of beers, I spent the evening reminiscing about travels and all the changes in technology we've been a part of or involved in over the last 10 years, as well as engaging in discussions about religion, science, health and more. I love a good thought provoking dialog. It was a great time and one of my favorite ways to unwind.
Oh, and the added combination of having some shifts in deadlines at work giving me more breathing room and being able to actually take a good chunk of time off over the holidays, combined with a late night viewing of "the Bishop's Wife" helped get me off the pier.