I'm... so... cold... the tips of my fingers are unable to steadily rest on the keys as I type this, due in part to the repetitive trembling and cold chills that run up my spine every few minutes, and in part to the damp film from my blanched fingers, coated with a sweaty glaze. Waves of nausea hit routinely, spasms ripple through my stomach, and if there were anything left to wretch forward, it'd be a solace to the burning harshness of repeated dry heaves. I don't know that I'd have gone "cold turkey" like this if I'd known how excruciating this experience would be. I pray for a breakthrough. I await the day I don't wake up with the jolting sense of falling, clammy sheets awash with perspiration, and the sensation of crawling along my legs and arms. You'd think I'd stopped shooting heroin. If only it were so easy. But it's not, it's far worse. For 2006, I've given up a 5-year daily habit that consumed my finances, threatened my family life, and more than once risked my life by my driving under the influence. After all this time and an escalating dependency, I'm pushing pause, silencing the noise, and unplugging. Yes, I'm officially living without an iPod. And the silence is, well, actually, it's not so bad...
In the late 1990's, A contractor by the name of Isaac Finger joined our team at Apple. He brought some brilliant FileMaker Pro skills, a good sense of humor, and a fresh young take on technology. During his stay, he brought a burgeoning underground technology to my attention. "It's the future," he said, "10 years from mow it'll be how everybody listens to music" he'd swear. I found it intriguing, found it an amazing thought to consider that the entire Beatles catalog might fit on a single data CD, but discounted the concept of it being the next evolution in media distribution. How could this have the mass appeal of CD's when you'd be tied to a computer system in order to enjoy them? "HA" I'd retort... "never gonna happen" I'd mutter. Yet slowly, and surely, it happened in a big way, and only now can I look back with lucid eyes and a clear head to recognize the man as the cyber-pusher who gave me my first taste of what would become an obsession.
Creative writing aside, I have always, as far back as I can remember, been obsessed with music. I even DJ's weddings for several years. At one time my CD collection filled and overflowed a wall crammed with ~300-400 CDs. And when the need for a CD burner entered our workplace, where I was responsible for burning data backups, I spent nights and weekends learning how to extract Audio CDs to 'AIFF' files and press them back onto my own collection CDs. The process was laborious and fraught with pitfalls of limited hard drive space and transfer speeds. Still, as a modest piece of trivia, if you were to peruse the archived CD collection of CPU Software bundle builds for Apple, one of the first ever pressed will play 'Brand New Caddilac' is inserted into an Audio CD player. (These were internal backups, not shipping to customers, so hopefully, I won't find my office flanked by dark-suited ambassador's of Apple Legal when I arrive to work next week.)
With the gradual onset of improvements and a gift of a portable CD/MP3 player combo at Christmas, I started working on the conversion and replacement of my CD collection with MP3s. Shortly after getting the CD player, i recognized it's limitations, purchase of a portable MP3 player called the Archos Jukebox, and shelved the other (only to have it resurface this year and find a functional place in our kids playroom with a specific Kids Music collection MP3 CD pressed as a test of the 'music soothes the savage beast' adage. Oh, and it's a lie).
Fast fwd to a time when i've pretty much narrowed physical CD ownership down to a scant set of essential favorites that I want to always have 'master quality' access to, to a time when i've gone through a wide range of methods to enable access to music at home via TiVo's built in streaming support, line-in of my iPod audio to the home stereo, and the 'AirTunes' feature of an AirPort Express. In addition, thanks to some nameless resources, i've consistently managed to find a vast pool of material to add to my already burgeoning collection of audio material. I have surpassed 122 gigabytes of files, or for the layman in the crowd (the one that still shops at Tower Records) that's well over 25,000 songs, over 3 months of 24x7 music with nothing being played twice.
So you'd think that'd be enough, right? For most, perhaps, but for us obsessive/compulsive types, all it takes is something new to spark another flame before the embers cool... and this time, it was the Video iPod.
I paced around the purchase of the new Video iPod for quite awhile. I'd end up at the company store on campus weekly, stopping first at the iPod Video display. I'd hold it, envy it, envision owning it, and put it down. Deep down I think i knew it'd only mean trouble. I think i knew i''d be opening a Pandora's Music-Box of sorts, into which whatever little free time and attention i have would be sucked without a moments notice. The angel on one shoulder tried to remind me of the family, finances and time i'd already sunk into music alone, while the devil on the other shoulder simply echoed, repeatedly, the mantra that so easily wore me down... "Newer, Lighter, Video, Coolness... Newer, Lighter, Video, Coolness... Newer, Lighter, Video, Coolness...".
As the end of the year came upon me, my 'once-a-year employee discount' was rapidly racing towards a cliff off of which it'd plummet, burst into flames, and in my own delusional rationalizations, take out innocent women and children on the way if I didn't step up to the plate and prevent it from reaching it's edge. I figured that by selling my current iPod on eBay would probably net me enough to cover the costs of the 30gig model. And so I headed down that path, sold it for about the cost of the 30gig, but somehow there was a snafu at the register, and I'd unknowingly purchased the higher end and higher priced 60gig model! I was aghast! Surely there was some mistake. Worse, i'd already opened it, too, preventing me from returning it to correct the heinous error. ...I rehearsed these and other excuses with the devil on my shoulder snickered while I worked my way to the counter, purchased the top of the line model, and gleefully went back about my business.
Only now, there was a void crying out to be filled. Sure, my music collection had reach an obscene size, but i had little on hand to utilize, let alone show off the cool new support for Video. I immediately began to fill my nights and weekends with searches for sites and tools used to take DVDs and convert them, and to find online sources for more content as well. I found them all, lots of them, all of which required time themselves to learn, try, tweak, etc. I was starting to queue up downloads of media overnight, fret over converting DVDs during the day, distracted constantly by the desire to multitask, master the domain and compile collections of, of... of.... of stuff I already had or would not really watch.
2005 was a VERY long year. We moved all the way to the Sacramento area in January and back again in October. We moved the kids 4 times in 12 months. FOUR! I've started a wonderful new job with a steep learning curve, doing something I love and love the idea of learning and doing more. I have a wonderful wife, two adorable kids, and more things to deal with on a daily bases just to stay current with the demands of day to day living, without the ongoing distractions of keeping my music library growing, let along starting a new fork in the road down which all that might lie is the ability to watch a DVD or TV show on a tiny little screen instead of my computer or TV itself. And moreover, the ROI question comes into play; i've been wanting to write, wanting to spend time on more important and lasting things, and with the Video iPod I was just adding more to my distractions. Hell, that said, the reality was that even just maintaining the music collection was itself a distraction. I mean come on, i had EVERYTHING ever release by the Rolling Stones, and I don't even like 1/2 of what's on their greatest hits!?! So why would I choose, consciously, to spend time on gathering and keeping stuff I don't care about or like?
SO with that, a realization became a resolution, one of the few i've ever really REALLY made, new years or not, I made a decision and commitment to myself to let go. I've since sold the iPod to my friend at cost, and instead, use a 1gb memory card in my Treo to function as a 'shuffle' player, putting more focus on the content and eliminating one more device I had to carry around. I've hacked away at my music library and reduced it by close to 1/2 it's previous size, down to a collection of stuff I actually care about having on hand to listening to. I've let go of the need to have 'complete albums' of everything. I'll continue to look for and try out new music, as it's how i'll find new favorites, but what i choose to hold on to will have to be something i'll still be listening too in the years ahead. I'm sure i'll 'return to the fray' of the millions of iPod owners at some point. in the mean time, I hope the time i don't spend managing the details is spent increasing my work skills and enjoying my home life.
